That Producer Made Me Cry!

July 3rd, 2010

Hollywood is full of horror stories. And I'm not talking about Scream 4, either.


Every year, thousands of hopefuls flock to Hollywood for their chance at the big time. Whether they're an actor, composer, filmmaker, screenwriter- it doesn't matter. They're there. Like locusts in Biblical times.


And every year, these same people encounter the thousands of personalities that make up modern Hollywood. From the egotistical director, to the manical secretary- they're all there, waiting to make or break your career.


I remember my first Hollywood experience. A nameless producer contacted me because she thought I'd be the perfect fit for their upcoming project. Trust me, I'd LOVE to trash this broad- but I am a professional, after all. *Evil grin*


Long story short- she used me. I wrote a treatment, she attached her name to it, the idea bombed, and she blamed it all on me. I call her the 'lucky duck'-- one of my top ten industry personalities.


What is a 'lucky duck'? Basically someone without an education in the film industry who made it big on accident and continues to exploit their career off of another's talent- both for good, and bad, circumstances.


Thus, the point of this blog- my top five industry personalities. This is who you'll run into. Who you'll work with. Who you'll have the displeasure of Twittering about if you're fortunate enough to make it big.


I would know. I've met them all.


5. The Legacy
They're a dime a dozen. Sofia Coppola. Jayden Smith. Emma Roberts. Tori Spelling. I'm sure you get the point by now-- legacies. Whether their father was a big-time director, or their mother was some hot shot at MGM- more than likely you'll meet quite a few of these in your travels. Many of them are talentless (don't hound me over Sofia Coppola- I KNOW she's talented with or without daddy) and it will piss you off that they made it. But we all know that when you're famous if your daughter wants to act, you'll do everything you can to get her to the top of the list.


4. The Storyteller
One time I met a guy who worked at a coffee shop who seemed to know everybody. He claimed a friend of his was a petsitter for Jennie Garth. And apparently George Clooney constantly comes in and orders the same decaf latte every Tuesday.  In no way am I an expert in celebrity taste, but the coffee shop wasn't even close to PinkBerry or Rodeo Drive. This, ladies and gentlemen, is The Storyteller- the one who always has a story for any celebrity you can think of. More than likely, yes, living in the larger cities they have had the celebrity encounters- but their BFF is NOT Sandra Bullock. Usually, they're completely full of shit and be aware that some of them are scammers. Make sure you're not handing your information or materials out to complete strangers. It could ruin you.


3. The Eccentric Artist
Or, as I like to call them, the Fruit Loop. These guys are nuts. They're usually filmmakers or intense actors who live for strange crystals, non-medicinal cures to intense diseases, and have a thing for the color black. If you appeciate art, they'll appreciate you- but steer clear if you can only take so much of hippy-isms and over analyzed conversation.


2. The Non-Celebrity Celebrity
Wait, how in the fuck can you be a celebrity without being a celebrity? While, for the talentless Hollywood crowd living off of mommy and daddy's trust fund, this is your category. These guys are everywhere, and reality shows made them even more of a scene staple. What's worse is that the Paris Hilton's and Heidi Montag's of the world will more than likely get their ideas through the door faster than you will. I've seen it happen- ask Heidi how that screenplay is going. I wish I was kidding.


Finally, my all-time favorite industry insider--


1. The Egotistical Nerd
Sure, they mask themselves with Prada and Mercedes, but these are the guys you picked on in high school. You're fucking kidding me if you say you would have been friends with Stephen Spielberg when you were 16. He would have been called four-eyes just like any other self respecting book worm. And you would have been the one throwing the verbal punches. The thing about this personality is that they are EVERYWHERE- and usually, they're your director, producer, cameraman- basically the entire industry is run by that kid you bullied in school. It's like Revenge of the Nerds... only much more cool.


Hell, even I'm a nerd- I just happen to take some pretty hot photos.


Keep this in mind going to your next interview. Be prepared to meet anyone and everyone- because, as Dorothy found out, this isn't Kansas anymore. Or, in my case, Montana.


Peace, Love and Heartbreak ♥
A